Can Your Attachment Style Change Over Time? A Therapist Explains


I have been aware my whole life that I have an anxious attachment style. This attachment style came from my upbringing (it’s a long story!), and it affected the way I was showing up in my romantic relationships. I tended to need constant validation, I got nervous when my partner needed space, I questioned myself, I did not trust fully, and I had a hard time receiving love easily.

All that said, I have been in therapy on and off for over a decade. During this decade, I have done some deep work on myself and how I interact with others.

More recently, I was dating someone who clearly had an avoidant attachment style. I could not see it at first, but then the signs became clear. Instead of me going back into my normal anxious attachment style, I did the opposite. I started to exemplify elements of being securely attached. Seriously, my therapist literally stated, “I am so proud of you. I do not know if you see it, but lately you have been handling your relationships in a secured way!”

Bingo! It happened again—but this time, with me.

Why? I had put in the necessary work toward reaching a healthier state, and, man, did it feel good. To be honest, it still takes massive work on my end. I want to go back to my old “anxious” ways all the time because that is all I knew for so long. But it feels good to be on this side. Here is where I choose to stay!

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